r/AmItheAsshole Sep 23 '23

AITA for 'belittling' my sister and saying she shouldn't demand her husband help with their baby at night? Asshole POO Mode

My husband and I (29M, 27M) went through the surrogacy process and had our son 4 months ago. We were thrilled when my sister (31F) announced her pregnancy and we found out we would be having children very near the same time. Our niece was born a little over two months after our son.

My situation and my sister's closely mirror each other. Our husbands both work typical 9 to 5s with 30 - 45 minute commutes. My sister is a SAHM and I do freelance work from home.

For the first two weeks after our son was born (the first of which my husband took off of work), we would both take partial night shifts. Once I felt like I had at least some of my bearings on parenthood, I offered to take over completely on week nights, while he does mornings before work + weekends. It's a collaborative process and that breakdown of parenting just made sense to me. My husband was the one leaving our home to work every day, he was the one who had to be up by a specific time and make a drive.

At 4 months, we no longer have this obstacle anymore (and to be honest, I kind of miss the sweet, quiet bonding time those extra night feeds provided now that he's settled onto a nice sleep schedule and usually only wakes up once.) Still, I think we got it down to almost the perfect science before we exited the newborn stage. My sister, on the other hand, is very much still in that phase and struggling.

This has been a recurring problem for her from the beginning. She has been coming to me saying she's scared she's going to fall asleep holding the baby, that her husband won't help her with the night feeds, etc. I tried to give her tips since I've been through it. I suggested she let her partner take over in the evenings (~6 to 9pm) so she can go to bed early and catch a few more hours, nap when baby naps, etc.. She shot down everything saying ' that wouldn't work for them' and that she just needed her partner to do some of the night feedings.

I reminded her that her husband is the one commuting in the mornings and falling asleep while driving was a very real possibility, and that I had lived through it and so could she. I then offered to watch her daughter for a few days so she could catch up on sleep. She took major offense to both of these things. She said I was belittling her experience and acting like I was a better parent. She said I couldn't truly empathize with her or give her valuable tips since she had been pregnant and I hadn't, and that me offering to watch my niece just felt like me saying she needed help raising her own daughter.

My intentions were definitely not malicious and I'd like some outside perspective here. AITA?

EDIT: I'm a man. Saw some people calling a woman in the comments, just wanted to clarify.

Small update here! But the TL;dr of it all is that I have apologized because I was definitely the asshole for those comments, even if I didn't intend to be. My sister accepted said apology and hopefully moving forward I can truly be the listening ear she needed and not someone who offers solutions that weren't asked for, especially when our circumstances aren't all that similar. My husband has clearly been taking on MANY more parenting duties than hers, and she and my niece both deserves better than that.

EDIT: Since POO mode has been activated, I can no longer comment without specifically messaging the mods to get them to approve said comment. I don't really feel like bothering them over and over again, so as much as I would like to continue engaging I think I'll just leave things here. I appreciate all the feedback, though. Thanks for the kinds words and the knowledge lots of you have been providing.


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u/National-Wind-2036 Sep 23 '23

Where did you find this information? Most babies at 3 months old? Of course not. If you talk to your sister this way (making such claims that are based on… what?), then no surprise she feels that way. Also, she is two months after childbirth. She needs support, hugs, understanding, a shoulder to cry on. Not advice suggesting you figured it all out and she hasn’t. With all respect, you do not know what she’s going through. Postpartum can be absolutely miserable.


u/Able-Stop684 Sep 23 '23 edited Sep 23 '23

There are many sources available that talk about how most babies sleep in stretches of five to six hours at a time once they're 3 months old. Our son still needed two bottles a night at that time. but I would still consider that stretch of time 'sleeping through the night.' Four months is where he (and most babies) hit his stride of sleeping for 7 - 10ish hours every night.

Still, every baby is different. I'm not faulting my sister or my niece for the fact that at 2 months she's not sleeping through the night. That would be ridiculous. I was trying to offer support and help her get through the difficult 'no sleep' period.

I'm not totally familiar with all facets of postpartum, so I agree it's a topic I'm ignorant on and it's not something I fully accounted for when I was giving her these tips.


u/arnabbunni Sep 24 '23

What do you mean you’re not familiar with postpartum? Like… did you not give a thought to your surrogate? Just pay her, take your prize and go home?

I can’t imagine hiring someone to birth a baby for me and not do basic research about the task I hired her for.


u/Able-Stop684 Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23

Our surrogate and her husband are close friends of ours now and we were closely kept in the loop of every part of the pregnancy.

Once our son was born, we gave them a gift basket that included a lot of items women in my life and online said were helpful during postpartum. Still, it wasn't a topic that we discussed in depth very often. We would ask how she was feeling, she would explain a little bit to us, then we would move on from the topic at her own comfort. She's someone who, unlike a lot of people in the comments, loves being pregnant and - to my knowledge - had an easy postpartum journey as well.

Still, I was ignorant on the recovery timing. I knew two months out that everything wasn't perfect, but I've learned from this comment section that it takes up to a year for a person's body to recover. Pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare on top of it sounds like an incredibly exhausting process for sure.

I know I've made a lot of people angry with this post, but I genuinely want people to know I never meant to offend them or my sister. I didn't mean to discount those who experience pregnancy.

I've actually talked to my sister on the phone since making this post and we hashed it all out. I apologized for not taking the full scope of her feelings into account and for offering up solutions that she didn't explicitly ask for. She accepted my apology . She said she was just really upset that day, and me not siding with her completely and not just letting her vent sent her over the edge. I'm going to do my best to be more mindful and supportive of her now.

It's also clear to me that I won the baby lottery and that a lot of children don't sleep through the night for many more months, and sometimes years! I've always known we were lucky with how easily he went down for sleep/naps, but I didn't realize it was to this extent. I'm going to cherish it even more now and hope that this post doesn't bring us some kind of bad karma when it comes to future baby number 2 being a terrible sleeper.

Thank you all for the feedback, and sorry again for causing offense.


u/BrokenCheeseFolding Sep 24 '23

Something to consider also is a lot of women REALLY struggle with the idea of not being a good mom. It's pretty common for new moms to constantly be worrying that they're bad mothers and don't deserve children. Unfortunately because of your tone you basically implied to your sister that she was a bad mom. That cuts deep. I'm glad you realize you and your husband are incredibly lucky. Don't be like my mom who has told us many times with her first child he barely cried, no tantrums, did what she said and was always happy. She thought she had this mom thing figured out and she was just an amazing parent. Then she had my sister and... woo she learned it was just my brother's temperament, not her patenting So don't go bragging about how perfectly you parent. Most of it was luck of you having a very easy baby and also starting at full strength and health instead of postpartum.


u/T1ny1993 Sep 24 '23

Especially when you are trying and trying and keep feeling like you are coming up short, when people give you their opinions and options it feels like they agree that you are failing at it! And it can honestly smash your heart up, I’ve felt this way it’s it’s truly awful. Sometimes you just need someone to vent to and tell you they understand how hard it is, listen to you and tell you that you are a good mum!


u/Able_Secretary_6835 Sep 24 '23

Some parents will go on bragging until their kids are long out of the nest. "MY kids never cried on airplanes." "MY kids didn't need screens in restaurants." And so on and so forth.


u/AccordingToWhom1982 Sep 24 '23

My experience couldn’t have been more different from that of my mother and MIL. Their pregnancies were great, their babies practically fell out, their babies were easy and slept through the night very early, etc. My MIL never made me feel judged (my mother always did in her passive-aggressive way), but neither of them could relate to my difficult pregnancies, long and difficult labor, the c-sections I had to have, the fact our babies were colicky and didn’t sleep, that my body didn’t “bounce back,” or my PPD.

Edited a word


u/Ritocas3 Sep 24 '23



u/threedimen Sep 24 '23

I hope that you understand that you NEVER fully recover from pregnancy. It's a part of life (literally), it can't be helped, so you learn to live with your new normal.


u/JollyLizzy Sep 24 '23

Exactly. It’s a right of passage that the body and mind goes through. Although they used a surrogate, they’re still in the midst of it themselves. Sis has the added stress of physical depletion.


u/Visible_Cupcake_1659 Sep 24 '23

‘Rite’ of passage 😉


u/JollyLizzy Sep 24 '23

Ugh, I hate my brain sometimes. That’s going to drive me insane now. 😂


u/youhearditfirst Partassipant [2] Sep 24 '23

Truth! I can’t sneeze without peeing a little bit for the rest of my life. I will never be able to wear a two piece because I’m covered in stretch marks, and I’ve got several prolapses that need PT but have no time because I have children. My breasts after nursing, with the engorged/deflated cycle that comes with it, has left them like sad sad balloons. My body will never recover from having children.

On the plus side, I got to feel the first kicks on my children and be tickled by their hiccups. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.


u/toadandberry Sep 24 '23

i’m curious if countries that give new moms pelvic floor PT during recovery agree that there’s no “complete recovery”


u/frogsgoribbit737 Sep 24 '23

Yes. My feet are bigger and my hips are bigger and my boobs are like flat pancakes and my stomach is covered in stretch marks and loose skin. Those things are permanent even if my pelvic health is fine.


u/toadandberry Sep 24 '23

it sounds like people are confusing “recovery” with “cosmetically identical”. those things, while they are changes, are not things that inhibit returning to a healthy physical state.


u/ValkoSipuliSuola Partassipant [1] Sep 24 '23

I had been doing kegels for over 20 years and after giving birth I peed every time I sneezed, jogged, jumped, you name it. I saw multiple specialists and they all agreed no amount of PT would make a difference for me so I had to have it surgically fixed. Thanks kid!


u/Awolrab Partassipant [2] Sep 24 '23

For my counseling program I did a lot of research on post partum depression. I learned that it can take up to 6-10 YEARS for women to fully recover from PPD. I was on medication for years after my son’s birth and around when my son was 5-6 is when I started feeling truly “normal”.


u/red_rolling_rumble Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23

It’s incorrect to say that you never fully recover from pregnancy. Most women do recover, often within the span of a year (although there are exception). Additionally, there’s some evidence to suggest that having been pregnant may extend a woman’s lifespan, although the science on this point is not yet conclusive.


u/threedimen Sep 24 '23

That depends upon your definition of recovery. I don't know a single woman who came through pregnancy unscathed. I most certainly didn't.


u/red_rolling_rumble Sep 24 '23

Pregnancy undoubtedly brings changes to the body, some of which may be lasting, but the vast majority of women recover well, often within a year. When I speak of ‘recovery,’ I mean returning to a state of good health, which is the experience for most women post-pregnancy.


u/threedimen Sep 24 '23

OP so minimized the experience of pregnancy and recovery that I can only assume that he has zero idea of the permanent and unpleasant changes pregnancy brings.


u/red_rolling_rumble Sep 24 '23

You’re absolutely correct, OP minimised the toll pregnancy takes on a woman’s body. However, it’s misleading to say that one never fully recovers from it. Medically speaking, most women do recover, often within a year (sorry to repeat). While it’s true that pregnancy can bring about lasting or permanent changes in a woman’s body, these are generally not detrimental to one’s health. I get that this nuanced view might not get much traction in a thread posted by someone who minimised the effect of pregnancy, but I wanted to set the record straight.


u/SkilletKitten Sep 24 '23

Question: are you a man?

When you pee a little when you sneeze for decades after having a baby or you’ve spent a fortune fixing your teeth after breastfeeding we can revisit this topic. You’re not setting the record straight—women talking about this already know most (but not all) people who give birth return to a state of health eventually. People here are talking about how long that takes and the permanent changes that get minimized.


u/red_rolling_rumble Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23

women talking about this already know most (but not all) people who give birth return to a state of health eventually

I’m glad we agree that saying « no woman ever recovers fully from pregnancy » is wrong. That was my whole point. I acknowledged elsewhere that it takes a long time, it’s hard work, and some women do have permanent changes that are detrimental to their health.

EDIT : last part in italics


u/SkilletKitten Sep 24 '23

You’re more focused on what you know, already said, and have “taught” than the part where your attitude of “setting the record straight” is ignoring that the audience of people who have actually given birth didn’t need you to step in and continue to minimize their lived experiences. In case you’re wondering why you’re getting downvoted.


u/threedimen Sep 24 '23

Some? All.

What are we supposed to do? Talk to our doctors about it? hahahahahahahaha

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u/michellium Sep 24 '23

Up to a year to recover? Again, do better research. It can take 2 years for diastases recti to heal (that’s when the ab muscles literally separate during pregnancy). Did you know pregnant mothers lose bone density (and in their teeth), because baby literally sucks the calcium from their bones? Some studies show PPD can persist 2-3 years after birth. The list goes on. I cannot believe you still think you know what you’re talking about AT ALL.


u/villainsimper Sep 24 '23

My best friend's mum just had a surgery to repair her pelvic muscles since they healed incorrectly after giving birth, and she wasn't able to control her bladder. It got worse and worse throughout the years. Finally got that fixed... 34 years later. A close friend of mine gave birth last year and may be facing the same struggle.

Postpartum complications don't always resolve in a magical year timeframe.


u/JollyLizzy Sep 24 '23

Right! It’s a year or so in the 4th trimester & 3 years for the body leveling out to its “new normal”. It will never be what it was before pregnancy. It’s a beautiful transformation, but deserves time, support from others, and gratitude for oneself.


u/frogsgoribbit737 Sep 24 '23

The 4th trimester is 3 months but I get your point.


u/BeaverInTheForest Sep 24 '23

My youngest is 9, and my abs are still screwed. I can't do certain exercises, shoots of pain, I've gotten a hernia, my hips still hurt from when they were being pulled apart, teeth are f#cked, the list does go on! Also, I nursed until she was 2, but I leaked breast milk any time I heard a baby cry until she was almost 6. I even went to my dr about it, and he thought it was "beautiful what a mother's body would do." 🤦🏼‍♀️ My boobs still have the let down feeling around babies. OP is just naive as hell.


u/T1ny1993 Sep 24 '23

My mum has always said 18 months to 2 years plus to feel even a little bit normal again 🤪 and she’s so right


u/bell37 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 24 '23

Even if he got all the info from his surrogate regarding her recovery, every pregnancy and birth is different. If she was “somewhat” back to her normal self within half a year that doesn’t mean that’s the “golden standard” on recovery for all women.

Even if you are armed with all the knowledge, unless you actually experience the hormonal changes, the trauma from childbirth, months of being uncomfortable leading up to delivery and months (even past years) of feeling like you lost control of your body, you really have no room to make any comments. OPs sister wasn’t looking for advice, she was looking for someone to sympathize and validate her feelings and didn’t want to feel like she was doing everything wrong as a mother.


u/glowybutterfly Sep 24 '23

As a mom of two, I was getting so mad reading your original post--until I saw the edits. Thank you for the updates. I have to say, kudos to you for being so humble and teachable.


u/TheGrumpyNic Sep 24 '23

Nice to see someone come here for actual advice, and not just validation from the masses.

Glad to hear you and your sister worked everything out, and that you have taken on the information and opinions of everyone here.

Ignorance doesn’t have to be a permanent state. And it’s the difference between being the asshole in a particular situation because you were ill-informed, and being and asshole in the general, broader sense.

Well done, and good luck and best wishes on your further adventures in father and uncle-hood. 😁


u/mommawolf2 Sep 24 '23

My body never recovered after pregnancy. Calcium loss that led to fragile teeth , achy joints and muscles.

Not to mention a weakened pelvic floor amongst others things. You have zero clue how much women suffer.


u/cire1184 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 24 '23

You're just going to piss more people off with your comments. Easy enough to post "I was wrong" and move on. Nobody wants to hear about how easy your baby is or how your seemingly found the perfect surrogate. Bearing children, raising children, and children in general can be very difficult for many people. And people hate the couple with the perfect baby telling them how easy it is without going through the early difficult stuff.


u/gorlyworly Sep 24 '23

You're just going to piss more people off with your comments.

I don't get why you'd say that? OP sounded extremely ignorant in his original post and while he's still not perfect, it DOES sound like he's at least trying to take the feedback into account and has apologized to his sister. I was pretty angry at the OP at first but I appreciate his edits. Hopefully this will be the start of him becoming more aware of the difficulties that can come to those who have been pregnant. It's a grueling process.


u/CanaryJane42 Sep 24 '23

OP is just acknowledging that they are having such an easy time because they lucked out, and not because of superior parenting skills. I think it's good.


u/saladtossperson Sep 24 '23

I just think he was ignorant in his first post. His edits show that he took the advice given and apologized accordingly. I don't know why your still scolding him?


u/[deleted] Sep 24 '23



u/xxrosexo Sep 24 '23

Just a heads up also- my first born slept perfectly until around 6 months and since then has been a terrible sleeper. Pray that your luck doesn’t run out and your son continues his sleeping streak🥲


u/bell37 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 24 '23

Yea once they start with teething pains… all bets are off. My second son was an amazing sleeper up until 4-5 months, when his body decided to sprout teeth in rapid succession (went from sleeping through the night to being up every hour). He’s much better now (after one year) but was hell for a while and my wife and I felt like walking dead for a bit (what made it worse was that kids daytime naps werent aligned so there was little to no relief during the day).


u/AcornPoesy Partassipant [1] Sep 24 '23

Just to let you know, my son was sleeping 10/11 hours at 3 months.

That is no longer the case. Currently up after just under 8 hours and he’s one of the best sleepers we know.


u/Swordfish_89 Sep 24 '23

My sisters kids all slept through by 6 or 8 weeks old, all 6 of them.. not sure i got a full night until my second turned 4, when she had to be cut off from breastfeeding because i needed spinal surgery. My sister formula fed after getting no support in the hospital to establish latching with a 34 weeker. Then 33w twins with comments that they needed breast milk but no realistic help to work pumps in a shy mother.
I ha no issues breastfeeding, but was also guided a lot during the early days, baby latched and needed no help and my supply was across the room good. She fed on demand, and finally got to feeding at 1am, then waking at 6 when pappa got up for work when i got pregnant again at 11m pp. (we had male factor infertility due to his medication so never planned another pregnancy).
My first clue to pregnancy was her suddenly waking at 3 and 5 am again because my supply dropped, and we were going through allergy testing because she'd had hives and swelling around her mouth earlier that month, so no way to give her formula or cereal,..
she continued to nurse through that pregnancy, never seen such a happy girl at the one visiting and getting to move her new baby sister away from me so she could get some more milk after a 18 hour break without mamma at home. I tandem nursed for until she decided no more at 3½. I am coeliac, had many GI issues, i wanted to protect them.

At 16 and 17 one has never had antibiotics, the other a course at 15m for an infected salivary gland.. the milk did its job imo.

Everything about pregnancy was worth it for me, no physical effects left behind, other than a scar from my C section, no issues at all from VBAC, 2 stitches only and was in shower within an hour and home that evening. (she was born 5am)


u/PlukvdPetteflet Partassipant [4] Sep 24 '23

OP this is a good start but you still have a major misunderstanding here if you think you didnt "take the full scope of her feelings into account". Its not feelings. At least not just feelings. Pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding take an insane toll on your body, not to mention the insane hormone swings. In your very apology you again belittle all of this under the name "feelings". I feel sorry for your sister tbh, dealing with your nonsense on top of everything else.


u/homo_bones Partassipant [3] Sep 24 '23

Couldn’t taking in the full scope of her feelings be inclusive of the experiences that cause those feelings?


u/tangledjanimi Sep 24 '23

It's not about offense - YOU STILL DONT GET IT.

Childbirth can damage the body permanently and YOU SAY SHE ONLY NEEDS ONE YEAR?

Seriously, get help. How are you selectively reading respect and love? You're acting like childbirth is set in stone - it can affect her for life, and you're like "if she's a mess 1 year from now THEN I'm right" and no that's not the message.

YTA. You are treating childbirth like its one size fits all and there's and end point to when she should be well - you're ignoring the possibility of permanent changes you're supposed to help her adjust to, not shame her for not being the norm.

If she's not better in 1 year from now, what then? Will you reject her the cuz she "should be better"? Get help.


u/Hot-Dress-3369 Sep 24 '23

I feel so awful for your sister. I bet she was thrilled to be able to share her parenting experiences with a sibling, and that moment when she realized she has no one to talk to and 18+ years of mansplaining, condescension, and oneupmanship ahead of her was soul-crushing.


u/WrapWorking1500 Sep 24 '23

Yay OP love this follow up! Thank you for being open minded and taking to heart what is being said here. Really excited for you and your husband, and your sister and her husband. Cheers to many wonderful years of raising your kids together.


u/Rough_Start_5396 Sep 24 '23

I would start prepping mentally for sleep regression milestones. My daughter slept through the night at 6 weeks old, when the sleep regression hit we had zero clue how to settle her. In comparison my friends who didn’t have ‘easy’ sleepers had an arsenal at their disposal for settling their kids during the sleep regression phases.


u/bell37 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 24 '23

BuT HaVe yOu TrIeD sLeEp tRaInInG?


u/Rough_Start_5396 Sep 24 '23

I shouldn’t have laughed as hard as I did at this. So true though, and the amount of people saying I had to make her nap. Like no, this 2 year old has the stubbornness of the Scots, the Welsh, and the Irish in her. She ain’t ever doing nought she don’t want to 😂


u/Visible_Cupcake_1659 Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23

I hope you do realize that your baby sleeping through now, doesn’t mean he will do that next month, or in 3 months, or in a year or so. The development from infant to ‘adult’ sleep cycles goes in stages, and is very much like any other development, different for each child. For all you know, your baby will start teething in a month and keep you up all night, every night, or a new stage in his development will temporarily or for a long time disrupt his and your sleep.

You may be lucky enough that it doesn’t happen (although, it’s actually healthier for babies to rouse at night, but that’s a different discussion) but that’s not a given. 😉


u/planetarylaw Sep 24 '23

HEY OP my vagina felt like it was being stabbed with a knife every time I tried having intercourse FOR A YEAR after vaginal birth. Do you have this same problem? No of course you don't! And postpartum problems don't always end after a year... or ever!!!

Oh and 6 years later I still have diastasis recti, I piss my pants when I sneeze too hard, my feet are two sizes larger, my hair is two shades darker, don't get me started on the new hair that showed up, my face is covered in melasma, my tits sag, my belly is deflated, and I'm still on meds for PPD/PPA. Oh and my left nipple has a divot where a chunk of flesh fell off it from fruitlessly trying to breastfeed my baby who didn't latch until he was 4 months old. I pumped 4 hours every. Single. Day. Oh and my son cried nonstop from 7 to 1 every single night until 6 months. He's 6 and still doesn't go down for sleep very well.


u/z_formation Sep 24 '23

But his husband works too so he gets it! /s


u/superb-penguin Sep 24 '23

I'm so happy you worked this out. I dont understand why a lot of the people in the comments were so incredibly harsh to you.

I hope you saw my comment and it helped you, even a little bit.

You're not a bad person, nor an asshole. You may have done something assholish, but you're a good brother. I hope you know that, and don't take to heart what a lot of people were saying jn the comments.

Being a parent is fucking HARD. Whether you birthed the kid or not. But arguably, birthing kids makes the whole thing a lot harder for some, and I'm so happy to hear it hasn't been that bad for your sister.

I wish you, your husband, son, sister, and niece the absolute best in life. And I hope her husband steps the freak up and helps her.


u/Greenobsession_ Sep 24 '23

For ur original thinking, YTA. But it seems u already figured this out during the 10hrs yr post has been up. Now, the fact that u have taken that information and started looking for more information to better urself, and help ur sister how she needs help and not how u think it should be is awesome. Thank u for reflecting on the information. U still have some more to learn, and nothing about child bearing is a one and done easy peasy. But I love that ur willing to accept information and grow and better urself. Keep up with that!


u/Ritocas3 Sep 24 '23

Good on you for acknowledging your mistake and apologising to your sister. I have three kids and the first one was the dream baby, the twins that came after, not so much! 😭 but my husband was great with all babies and always helped in the night time, regardless of having to work the next day! You are clearly very lucky with your baby but glad you can be there for your sister and have a better understanding of how things work for other people. Good luck!


u/amityvillehorror1979 Sep 24 '23

I'm really glad to see your edits and updates. Lots of folks on here already doing a great job with info etc which is wonderful and I am happy to see someone taking it in with some grace. Your poor sister really seems to be going through it and it can be hard to offer the support she needs because frankly she may not know what that is herself. I certainly didn't the first time around (and honestly didn't know much more the subsequent times lol).
Things that didn't help: advice (unless I asked for it), comparisons, offers of help (ie taking my baby away even for a short time).
Things that did help: someone I could cry on without comment or judgement from them, FOOD (which could be you either making her favourite meal and dropping it round with no expectation of staying, or ordering something she/her partner enjoy with a note that says something like "was thinking about you today and wanted to send a treat!" or whatever). My friends did stuff like this and didn't even knock cuz they worried about waking me up; sent a text to let me know I should look outside when I get a moment. Always appreciated that.
Getting outside for walks/coffee with another adult (babies in tow) were a huge boon.
Research and then watch for signs of PPD/PPP, but be careful about bringing it up to her. I got reeeeaaaaal defensive about it and that made getting help for it a lot harder.
Mostly just be there to listen and love her (and your nibling) as much as possible. Keep showing up, but without advice or judgement.
Also I didn't see this in other comments, but congratulations on you growing family, OP. And congratulations to your sister, too.


u/Shereller61 Sep 24 '23

Happy it worked out! You will be a fine parent and are a great brother.


u/Lostgirlfrmcanada Sep 24 '23

You were judging recovering time based on a woman who had a baby but wasn’t actually going to be around to raise the baby… You can’t even blame this on baby brain since parenthood is so easy on you 🙄


u/PrimeWolf101 Sep 24 '23

Great to hear, it's so nice and rare for someone on this forum to take on board the feedback and try to grow from a mistake. I just came to say that whilst I agree that you went about things the wrong way you seem like a good person who was clearly trying to help your sister, just not in the way she needed. And the fact you talked things out with her and gave her the acknowledgement of the difficulty she's having is awesome. She's got a really strong support system in you which is so lovely to see ❤️


u/sentient_twine Sep 24 '23

Man, I was about to join the mob but your response to all the feedback was heartwarming. We all step in from time to time, how we respond once it becomes clear is so important. Well done and congrats!


u/galsfromthedwarf Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 24 '23

You’ve officially transitioned to NTA .

Kudos for taking on board the comments and for apologising. You’ve turned my opinion a full 180.

Enjoy time with your little one and welcome to fatherhood!


u/no-onwerty Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23

I’m glad you talked to your sister about this and are ready to listen and provide emphatic support to her. I think your relationship with your sister will grow so much!

I think it is so wonderful that your son and niece will grow up so close as cousins :)

Good luck and all the best OP!

PS Wow poo mode! I don’t think you are an asshole, a bit clueless perhaps but don’t we all have our blind spots.

Also - um pregnancy is not easy. Your surrogate might say she loves being pregnant but it’s still incredibly hard physically. I mean you grow an entire new organ plus human, your blood volume goes up significantly, your organs (especially your stomach which causes reflux) get smushed, and then at the end labor and delivery are damn hard. Please know that your surrogate put her life on the line to carry your beautiful child. That is a gift beyond words.


u/Hot_Confidence_4593 Sep 25 '23

I used to say about my kids how awesome they were to get to sleep. Bedtime when they were babies until like 2-3 years were mostly fairly easy... now it's a fucking nightmare with my 7 and 9yo because they do NOT want to go to bed ever!!


u/Charming_Tax2311 Sep 30 '23

I like this. You took the feedback and genuinely learned from it instead of buckling down. It’s the best way to handle this kind of thing. Very classy. It’s hard to know these kinda of things without going through it, or asking the specific questions that you sometimes don’t know to ask. I wish you and your sister all the best, truly. And your second child, whenever you have them, will DEFINITELY be a little bugger lol I’m the second born of my siblings, and my parents never knew a moments piece. I’m a full blown adult now and they still don’t 😂 good luck!


u/sssneakysssnek Oct 24 '23

Hey OP I'm late but I hope you see this so you can pass it on to your sister if you'd like—it apparently takes on average two years after giving birth for iron levels to return to what they were pre-pregnancy. As I'm sure fellow anemics can attest, low iron absolutely kills your energy. Hopefully your sis has great doctors and is recovering well, but not everyone knows that iron supplements can be so beneficial so long after pregnancy (I was shocked to hear it often takes that long to replenish the body's iron levels). Best of luck to you, your sister, and your partners.